WARNING: CHANGE IS A COMIN'

Hey,  I just got back from the Surrey International Writer's Conference and I realized life must change.  If I am going to take writing seriously, I have to take writing seriously.  So I need to find a domain name and get a URL and get on twitter and figure out who I am.  It has become a deep philosophical debate as to what my URL should be.  Who am I? Where do I come from?  Where am I going?  Am I marianneh?  mariannehr?  mariannehansen is already taken.  themariannehansen is also already taken.  Just marianne is taken.  I could be comedyoferrers but that may not tie in with all of the writing I choose to do.  I could be mariannerencher, but truth be told, I have never really felt like mariannerencher so I have canceled that out.  I could be blog.marianne but I don't think I want to be that.  I think I could be marianne.org which opens up the possibility that I could be seen as a nonprofit organization and people may send me donations.  I could be marianne.biz but then people may expect me to be a business and may want me to actually do something.  I could be marianne.net but that seems too web for me and people may think I know something about the internet or technology and when my website is taken over by the neighbor kids, they may stop following me.

What it comes down to is that some time in the next month, I will have an internet host with my very own web page which will be nothing more than a glorified blog.  So instead of using this site for free, I will be having a similar site that I will be paying for.  I will also have to find pictures that are for sure not copyrighted which makes me sad because some of the pictures on this blog are incredible and I am really just helping people spread their talent by using their art without actually asking.  See?  I am helping.  I will be getting my pictures from creative commons instead.  They have good pictures too but it will not be the same.  But I am an adult and I can handle change.  Luckily I have children I can yell at when I get frustrated with the whole process.

More to come... Isn't this exciting?

Just a Spoonful of Cough Medicine

 
 

I would like to tell you a story of a wonderful, innocent little housewife who lives in a quaint little valley town.  She has three darling children who, unfortunately, became sick all at once.  She believes they got it from her heroic husband who works tirelessly with other people’s sick and diseased children’s mouths.  Although she has asked her heroic husband to wear a bubble to work, he has politely refused telling her that he would not be able to fill cavities if he were in a bubble. After he leaves for work, our housewife diligently tries very hard to sanitize everything he has touched during the last twelve hours.  She, however hard she tries, cannot do it perfectly and her children got a nasty, nasty cold.  Although once her children become sick, our housewife tries to stay away from them and will not let them touch her, she got sick.  (Insert sympathetic sigh)

Our adorable housewife decided to take her youngest to the pediatrician to see if there was more to this illness because it was hanging on and on.  The pediatrician said that it was a two-week thing, to buy some Delsym CHIDLREN’S cough medicine, give it to them at night, and good luck.  The magnificent housewife did this and even used disposable spoons to give the medication so there was no cross contamination.  She was very careful.

Now let us think about our poor, under appreciated housewife.  She had a sick husband, and three sick kids while she herself was sick as well.  Everyone knows that housewives cannot be sick; especially housewives who are wonderful, innocent, adorable, and under appreciated.  Her heroic husband laughs at our sad housewife when she takes children medicine, thinking it will help her as well.  She is overworked and underpaid and sometimes she is unable to get to the pharmacy to get adult medications, but as any noble housewife does, she has five different kinds of children’s medications just in case.  So if she feels sick and does not have adult medication, sometimes she may take a swallow or two of children’s medication without being as diligent with measuring as she is with the kids.  Her heroic husband tells her they can’t help her so it shouldn’t be a problem.  Our housewife figures something is better than nothing.

Well, Sunday night at about 2 am, our poor, sleep deprived housewife was coughing and though she would take a swig of her children’s cough medicine.  She kept coughing so she took one more swig.  She went to bed and didn’t cough anymore.  Her heroic husband got up about 5:30 am and woke up our little housewife.  She decided to go the bathroom.  She got up and the room started spinning.  She walked to the toilet and sat down and the room was still spinning.  She got back to bed and her heroic husband asked what was wrong.

“The roomzzzzz  schpinning.”

Her husband asked if she was slurring her words and she wasn’t sure if she answered him or not.  Her heroic husband started to laugh and got the cough medicine.  He looked it up on the Internet and found out that people use this brand to get high. 

So our poor, naïve, sleep deprived over worked housewife was high.  Very very high.  Because she took two swigs from her CHILDREN’S cough medicine.  She spent the day lying around, although a friend did help her get to the eye doctor.  Her husband told her to not talk much at the appointment because the misunderstood housewife was laughing at her own jokes which her heroic husband told her were not very funny.  He reminded her that drunk people don’t think people know they are drunk.  So she tried to be very quiet, but she did try to take a nap during the appointment, which may have confused the technician.  Her eyes have not caused her migraines, though.

She hung out with her three year old all day.  She gave him a hug to tell him how much she loved him and thought how comfortable she was and started to fall asleep holding her three year old until he started to yell that he couldn’t see Elmo through her head.  Our innocent housewife went back to her room.  So she spent the day lying there.  When she got up, she could walk although she may have had to hold on to furniture as she did.  She made it through the day, though and made it to sleep.

Today she woke up much more put together.  She is a little light headed but able to function.  The laundry will be done.  Food may be cooked; it will at least be ordered and delivered. 

Our sad, tired housewife hasn’t coughed since Sunday night, however.  (And this has been written while still light headed and any mistakes are the fault of cough medicine and not of the author)

1997 was a very good year.

 

I had a good ten years.  I was really healthy between 22 and 29.  Ok.  I had a good seven years.  Before 22 I got migraines all the time.  At 29, I got pregnant and well, my body has never been the same.  After my second pregnancy, I got plantar fascitis, after my third pregnancy I got a tumor, and then finally, I thought I was done.  I was getting more energy and I was feeling happy and life was getting good for almost a month and then I got the stomach flu, which led into a horrendous 3-week chest cold, which has led to a week of migraines.  I have had four this week and I am bitter.

When you get migraines, people ask you if you are stressed.  My answer to that is yes.  I am incredibly stressed I AM GOING TO GET A MIGRAINE.  But now I am paranoid too so I am reading what the Mayo Clinic says I should do.  I have to stay away from processed foods and caffeine.  They might as well tell me to die or stop eating.  EXCEPT fasting can cause migraines.  I have been sleeping the week away from the medication I have taken until I found out that over sleeping could cause migraines.  But so can too little sleep.  So how does that work?  I need to take up yoga and there are some herbs I can take. 

Causes of migraines?

            Being a woman    check

            Being between 30 and 40    check

            Having a family history    check and thank you once again mom

            Experiencing hormone changes    check although I question this because I have been off my meds since November so I would think I would have gotten these earlier.

So the Mayo Clinic’s risk factors are stupid because I have all of them.  I guess the question should be, why haven’t I gotten them before this week?  The answer is that the Gods, especially Zeus, loved me and now something has happened.  I’m not sure what.  I would burn incense to get in better favor but certain strong scents can trigger them.  (Notice I said strong.  Not any old scent.  It has to be REALLY REALLY strong.)  In other words, please continue to use deodorant soap after mowing the lawn.

And to add to it, I thought I would get pizza tonight as a treat.  My kids ate a little but not too much because they had asked my neighbor to cook them dinner.  My kids are begging for food.  Just because she is from China and everything I have ever had of hers has been amazing, this is not a good reason to be begging for food.  And now my son is throwing up in the bathroom.  I’m not going to help him, because that will probably cause a migraine.  (Or I will throw up too)  And you already know I am not a good mom because my kids won’t eat the pizza I made or bought them.

I wonder if this has anything to do with the funny taste in my mouth.  Because I also just found out that I have a higher likelihood for a stroke.  Explain to me why I care about high cholesterol or being obese when I could die?  Pass me another donut, but not the chocolate ones.  Chocolate causes migraines

I Play a Doctor on TV

 

I may have a slight tendency to be a hypochondriac.  Now I am saying only slight because I don’t actually do anything about my belief I am desperately ill, except for telling Kevin about it.  This may be a mistake, however, because he believes I am a raving mad hypochondriac. 

I am only slightly one because I limit my symptoms to tastes in my mouth.  Sometimes I think I get funny tastes in my mouth that means something is wrong somewhere else and my taste is being affected.  I know that I have seen this as a symptom of a stroke or something on television.  Therefore, you see, my tiny paranoia is not my fault.  It is the fault of numerous hours of ER, Private Practice, House, Grey’s Anatomy, and an occasional St. Elsewhere.  Now do not try and put this back on me for wasting my time watching these television shows.  If I had not watched them, I would have no idea that I have a problem because of the funny tastes in my mouth.  See?  I may have saved my own life.

Except for the fact that I will never go to the doctor and ask about these funny tastes in my mouth.  I generally get them in the middle of the night when I haven’t eaten anything for a while or while I am brushing my teeth when I think my children have sprayed my toothbrush with something.  Except I just got a new toothbrush to make sure that was the problem and now I am tasting it again.  Except that I go the new toothbrush five days ago so my kids could have done something to it again, but I got after them pretty good after the last incident that they all swore they didn’t do so maybe it really is just in my head.  This is why I never go to the doctor with these problems.  There is no way I am going to tell someone who may possibly have the ability to send me to a mental institution for 72 hour surveillance that I am having a weird taste in my mouth and what the possible causes could be.

So now I am sharing with you the fact that I sometimes get weird tastes in my mouth and I worry about it for at least five minutes when it happens.  It happens generally 2-3 times a week so I am losing fifteen minutes a week.  This is about 550 minutes a year or a little over nine hours.  I figure I have nine hours a year to be worried about this so I’m not going to do anything about it.  I mean, I already admitted to wasting hundreds of hours with TV so this is nothing.

Thank you, I feel much better.  I’m going to go to Hulu.com now and watch the Grey’s Anatomy episode I missed last week.  After I brush my teeth.

Betty Draper is my Role Model

 

It took me a minute to figure out what to write.  I had a minor tirade written about the school board meeting I attended Tuesday, but I decided I needed to cool down before I released that.  So instead I am writing about electronics.

I love electronics.  They are a mother’s best friend.  Right now I am able to write because two of my children are playing with their Leapsters and one is playing with his new DS; all while Ben 10 is playing on the TV.  I believe this would be Kevin’s hell.  But before this happened, I was in bed, dreaming of being in a castle in a warm cozy robe before a fire with a servant named Sven massaging my feet.  Then, three children jumped on the bed screaming, “Seth bit me.” “James is chasing me.” “I’m a frog, mom.”  Sven disappeared and reality hit.

I put on some cartoons and tried to catch fifteen more minutes of shuteye but what a three year old and an eight year old will watch together is dwindling.  So I got up, saw the mess that my idea of a movie and popcorn night made, vacuumed, and decided to make some pancakes.  I had passed the acceptable breakfast time, however, because my kids were already foraging in the pantry.  So while I was making pancakes that would be doused in healthy syrup, Seth dug through the goody bags I made for James’ birthday party and found chocolate, then found fruit snacks, Kath and James had a pop tart and found some Skittles under the couch.  At this point, the morning is a wash and it is time to just get out the portable electronics.

In addition, I like figuring out electronics more than educational toys.  James also got a crystal making kit and a microscope kit.  For the crystal making, I need a pan that is no longer used for cooking.  Who keeps pans around that they don’t use for cooking?  Why would you?  Just in case you buy a crystal making kit?  AND I know that my loving husband will not pay attention to the fact that I used the pan for mixing toxic chemicals and put it in the camping box.  So I will go to the Dollar Store and buy a pan to use to make crystals and then throw it away so Kevin doesn’t pop popcorn in it at the Ward campout.

And this crystal kit isn’t one step.  You have to mix other stuff so you can see how crystals grow in different environments.  I don’t care.

The microscope came with brine shrimp eggs to put in salt water and wait 48 hours to hatch and then you put them into three different containers and then make slides and then look at them under the microscope.  The kids thought we were growing shrimp they could eat.  I ordered sweet and sour shrimp to pacify them.

So right now I have brine shrimp in a container in my kitchen waiting for me to help James put it into other things.  It’s gonna wait another day.

I’m a minimal effort kind of person.  I paid someone to make James’ cake and classroom cupcakes.  His teacher thought I was amazing.  I agreed.  I took full credit for the cupcakes.  I just remain vague.  So when the teacher says, “Those are gorgeous.” I agree.  “How do you find the time?”  I reply I don’t.  Then there is laughter about how you just find the time when you are mom no matter what else is going on…  And then I agree.  This is how I survive.  I cheat and I buy electronics.  My role model is Betty Draper.  (for those of you who don't watch Mad Men, she locks her kids in closets, yells at them regularly, tells them to leave and watch tv, and slaps them; all while smoking a cigarette.)

Kevin Wins Today or Materialism is my Friend

 

Kevin wins today.  He really, really wins.  I must admit that I can make it hard for him to win, so we must give him his due.

Two weeks ago, I threw two parties for about twenty people at each.  (Which is why, if he ever reads this, I bought a kitchen table that seats twelve although he swears we never entertain.)  I did not know exactly who was coming or how many would be there or really what it was all about.  I actually found out about this party he was throwing through my dear friend Anne who was working with him on a project that included said party.  She called to give me a heads up that he volunteered to have a party at our place instead of at a restaurant because it would be cozier. 

When I found out this information about a week before this event was to take place, I said we should get take out and put it in our dishes and lie about who made it.  This did not go over very well.  So we did what we always do which is a BBQ, chips, salad, my sister in law’s fruit salad, and something to drink.  I bought dessert, though.  So I spent two half days and one full day working on this.  The next night was supposed to be another twenty people so I prepared for that as well.  Only two people ended up showing up, but I still put in the effort and it so counts.  (Although when Anne called to tell me only two would be there and she would be one of them, I put the sour cream and salsa back in the containers and started cleaning up the cute serving dishes I had.  There needs to be more than four people before I will dirty dishes when containers will do.)

At the first dinner where there were people, Kevin made announcements and introductions.  When he stated he had it at the lake because he thought it would be easier, I started to choke.  After he was done speaking, I decided to make an announcement.  It went as follows:  “I believe this would be a good time to let everyone know that my favorite jeweler in town is Saunders Jewelry.”

Now most people laughed, knowing exactly whom this announcement was for and the purpose of it.  Kevin continued on with his evening.  I never heard a word about it until a couple of nights ago at 11pm.  I am five minutes from sleep, having wretched my guts out that day, when my loving husband turns to me and says, “Were you serious about Saunders Jewelry?”

My response after a stifled yawn and a stomach gurgle, “It is always nice to get jewelry.”  My thought: "Why would a person make a random comment about a local jeweler to a bunch of strangers from out of town if a person were not serious?"

Well, last night he had a lot of local dental professionals over and he did 75% of it.  He scheduled it without checking with me and so the kids had after school activities and I was sick and I couldn’t spend the day organizing and decorating and setting up.  I think he realized that it actually takes a bit to do this seeing as half the guests showed up before the tables were set up. 

So at 10am, I received a call from a nice gentleman informing me he was from Saunders Jewelry and that I had a credit at the store and to come pick something out.  Of course Kevin gave me a HUGE allowance, knowing that if earrings cost over $20, I have to meditate and possibly medicate except for a few special occasions like giving birth and anniversaries.  This time, however, I did a pretty good job of seeing what I liked and just getting it.  It was 80% less than my “allowance” but more than $20 and I did not feel the need to do a traditional Native Aboriginal Naked Walkabout before buying earrings.  I think it may have something to do with going from the stomach flu to a chest cold that my kids' doctor informed me "runs two weeks, give your family some cough medicine and good luck to you."  Add a nervous breakdown from my eight year old making me feel like a terrible mother, and you can drop a pretty penny at the local jeweler trying to make yourself feel better.

So Kevin wins this week.  Part of me wishes he would just ask before he invites 20 people over for dinner, but I will settle for jewelry.  Does that make me materialistic?

Taking Donations to Buy a Bubble

I woke up Saturday morning wanting to die.  I had some of the worst cramps ever and it only took a couple of hours before everything I had ever eaten in my entire life decided to come back up.  I spent all of Saturday in bed.  Kevin had taken the kids to his parents’ cabin and I had so many things I was going to accomplish.  Instead I waited for the heavens to part and a flock of angels sing me to my rest.

Instead, Kevin came home and I woke up Saturday night again incredibly sick.  Kevin had a bunch of stuff to get done so he suggested he give me a sleeping pill, I sleep until noon and then he would work.  I’m not sure what he gave me, but I woke up fifteen hours later.  Give or take.  I thought I felt ok.  I even ate some trail mix and an apple.  I guess I shouldn’t have, though because I woke up again Sunday night waiting for angels to come because I was pretty sure it was all over.

Today, I got the kids to school and then Seth and I lay around.  I got this blasted thing from him.  He has had an upset stomach for a few days and he has a head cold.  I laced his chocolate milk with Tylenol and he is now out cold half in bed and half on the floor with his shirt off and some granola in his hand.  I need to take the car in and get the flat tire fixed and I need to edit a friend’s book and get prepared for my conference, but I don’t wanna.  I don’t want to sit up right for too long a period.

I may have brought this on myself.  I had wished for some sort of a tapeworm so I could lose weight without doing anything, but in my mind, I just got thinner, I didn’t vomit or spend copious amounts of time in the bathroom.  I also wanted Kevin to appreciate all I do for him, but more while he was missing me while I was at a tropical destination.  I guess if I leave the shower on long enough, the bathroom becomes a humid location, but definitely not tropical.

I just want to know how old you are when your body changes and little sicknesses you had as a kid turn into full blown tsunami’s as adults.  Chicken pox as a kid is mildly irritating but can kill you as an adult.  Stomach flu as a kid means you get as much Sprite as you can drink and you get to watch all your favorite cartoons.  The next day it was though nothing happened.  As an adult, my body aches from working in reverse for 48 hours and making food for my kids makes me want to flee.  I hadn’t been in that much pain in years.  So when does this transformation occur?  I hadn’t had the stomach flu since I was eight so I have no point of reference.  All I know is that if any of my kids get the stomach flu again, they are on their own.  I am not going anywhere near them.  I am not experiencing this weekend ever again.  I think I need to purchase a HAZMAT suit.  It seems that whenever I get what the kids have, it is three times as bad as what they have.  I think my only solution is to never have direct contact with kids under the age of twelve again.  I am going to buy HAZMAT suits in every color and style and just wear those.  I’m surprised no one has thought of this before me.  As soon as I make enough money from this HAZMAT suit fashion trend, I think I will buy a bubble.