Review of Secrets

This will be a short review. I didn't mind reading this book. Parts were actually enjoyable. It took me a minute to realize the lust of her desire was a spy and that was enjoyable. At the same time, there was one kiss in the whole book and it was in the last twenty pages or so. I was disappointed because I was hoping the novel would be a bit more trashy. I mean, the author's last name is Deveraux and there are pastels on the cover. What other signs are there?

It was a quick read and the plot was easy to follow. It deserves 4 out of 5 Diet Pepsies for that.
For romance, however, it only gets 1 out of 5 chocolate bars.

She lusted after this guy for her whole life and she just sits by while nothing happens? In college I lusted after a guy for a whole week at the most before I did something about it or moved on.

So that is my short review. Hopefully I will have tons to write next month

April's Book

Devil's Cub by Georgette Heyer

How TWILIGHT has Changed My Life by Marianne

1. I watched the DVD and I think I can act now. If I am correct, I need to flutter my eyes, bite my lip and stutter. I'm going to do that for the rest of the day and see what people's reactions are.

2. It brought me back to my high school days and my desire to have my high school body so I put a picture of the cast on my fridge to remind me that if they don't eat, I won't either. Of course, my high school body didn't have three scars across the abdomen from three c-sections and I believe my hair was fuller and curlier and other parts of my body are not as "perky" as before but I'm sure none of that will matter.

3. I've asked Kevin to only talk to me with a British accent. This really has nothing to do with Twilight, but it happened at the same time. Those of you who know him, know what an utter rebel he is, and he has yet to acquiesce.

4. I've been thinking of becoming a vegetarian again. Or to follow the Atkins diet. I can't decide which type of vampire I am.

5. I have decided to only wear old bowling shirts.

Finally:
6. I've decided to get contacts. Clear ones, but still...

I would now like to hear how others have been affected by this "full-blown pop culture phenomenon."
PS. The next entry will be the book review for SECRETS. I know you are as excited about it as I am

Quaint

I live in a quaint town. Helena has about 60,000 people if you include the surrounding area. If you include cattle, our population triples. Due to the smallness, there are a lot of quaint customs. The stoplights blink after 8pm; yellow one direction and red the other. Parking costs about $.50 an hour, unless the attendant has to leave their post for the potty or lunch, and then it is free. Dogs are accepted in most stores and a few stores have their own dogs. Murdocks Ranch Store carries chicks in the spring with the best way to cook them once full grown on their cages.

Tonight I found a habit that isn't quaint. I was at my weekly knitting group when a group of us decided to get a snack before going home. I left the bar at 9pm and walked to the parking garage. I had parked on the second floor and so I tried to open the door to the stairs and it was LOCKED. I tried the door to the elevator and it was locked. The sign on the door which I am assuming tells me where open doors leading upstairs are is broken in half and so you can't read it. I had no idea where another set of stairs were so I ended up walking around the parking garage until I came to my car.

I could have been mugged. Granted someone would have to want to mug a woman who looks the part of a stay at home mom and who is carrying a bag that says Knit and Nosh on it in florescent pink, but there is the possibility. Why lock the doors? I mean who really cares? Are they afraid of vagrants hanging out in the stairwell? Helena has the reputation of being one of the better towns to hang in if you are homeless because the shelters are really nice. No reason to be on the stairs.

It wouldn't be so bad if Helena didn't also have the reputation of being undefinably cold along with quaint and I wasn't wearing socks.

I guess I'll knit those next week.

Meet Ballina

There is a new person in our house. She arrived rather suddenly. One day she wasn't here and the next she has been here ever since. She is Katherine's friend. She often does not have a father and Katherine met her at Target. She has numerous puppies and if we want to go to China, her horse can take us there. Her brother's name is Batman and he is from China.

Ballina seems nice enough, but if Katherine can't blame James or Seth for something, Ballina did it. Ballina tells Katherine what food she likes and whether or not she wants to go to gym or dance. Ballina tells Katherine if she doesn't like an outfit she is wearing. Now that I think about it for a while, I don't like Ballina. Ballina is a pain in my neck and I would like her to go away. I know that kids with pretend friends are supposed to be creative and brilliant and wonderful, but I think kids with pretend friends are just really good liars.

Some of you may know that I had a make believe friend: Karen Getty. She also had a Chinese friend who had no name, for some reason. But I don't recall using the innocent Karen to get out of going to dance or to wear the same puppy shirt 3 days in a row. I didn't smack my brother in the face, making him cry and claim Karen did it. (Probably because my brothers were 6 and 15 years older than me; but still...) I did not splash all of the water out of the bath tub and claim Karen created a tidal wave. I had her because I was lonely with no friends and lived in the middle of the woods with wolves in Connecticut. Huh. Maybe we should stick with the thought that kids with pretend friends are creative and brilliant and wonderful. yeah. that makes me feel much better.

The ring

I hate my house. I placed a ring next to my bed instead of in my jewelry box which is what I do EVERY night and it is now gone. Seeing as my wedding ring was found by the refrigerator and the two rings were next to each other, I am now

Spring Cleaning.
Never mind that it snowed 3 inches yesterday; I am getting ready to move to the lake. I have cleaned off my dresser. I have cleaned off my desk. I have looked under my bed (notice the verb was not cleaned.) And I have cleaned out my bathroom. Did I stop there? No. I went through my spices and threw away everything that expired in 2007. I cleaned my fridge. I went through the utility drawer and got rid of the teaspoon and 1/4 cup that I have no clue how I got. I threw away coloring books that someone drew one line on every page so no other kid will color on it because it is used. I got rid of TOYS!!! I organized my knitting. I organized my nail clippers - I have 7 pairs. I found a phone I threw the base away because the phone has been missing for a year (it was in a bin of old clothes that I got out for Seth.) I have spent the last 2 days and a box of garbage bags just chucking things. If I didn't want to walk into another room to put something away, I chucked it. If I thought no one would buy it for a dime, I chucked it. I have all my trashy novels in a pile and I think I'm sending them to Heidi because it would be wrong to throw them away. My issues are these, however:

1. Still can't find the ring.
2. I only started the upstairs and my house is a complete disaster. What I am not throwing away is ending up in the living room while I get the energy to put it where it belongs. There are toys, books, and games that need to go into the basement just on the ledge. There are socks just on the floor. There is a mitten on my couch. There is a pile of sheets at the bottom of the stairs because they go in the spare bedroom. I have spent 48 hours and a large garbage can and you can't tell.

Unless you open a cupboard. Then it is alphabetical. The hand soap is in a row under the sink. Seth's floods are in the give away pile and his way too big clothes are in his drawer. Socks have partners and underwear is unstained. But it is put away. You can't see anything I have done. The TUPPERWARE is organized but it is in a cupboard. My floors are disgusting and you can't walk through it, but if you open something, WOW!!

Just DO NOT open my closet or the pantry. Give me a break, people, I'm not perfect.

Poison

I believe I have an unnatural fascination with Bret Michaels. It started with Season 2 of Rock of Love. It amazes me how girls can cry over a guy who wears a bandana on his head ALL the time. I think the long blonde hair is actually a wig and he is balding. He wore the bandana when he took a girl to a fancy restaurant. She was in a formal; he had on a t-shirt and bandana. I'm pretty sure it was a clean t-shirt, but still...

Right now E True Hollywood Story is on. It is about Bret. (I feel as though I deserve to call him by his first name; I've watched four episodes of Rock of Love) I am feeling as though I have been lied to my whole life. The member of the band that I thought was CC wasn't. I just watched the part where CC was kicked out of the band and it wasn't the guy who I thought. I feel as though during my teenage years I was living a lie.

In addition, Slash of Guns and Roses was almost Poison's guitarist but he wouldn't do the glam thing. What an idiot.

The odd thing is that I never was into Poison as a teenager. Yes, I wanted to dance with a boy to Every Rose has a Thorn, but I also wanted to dance with a boy to Stairway to Heaven and that is the worst slow song ever written - It's 15 minutes long and it has a heavy guitar rift in the middle that you can't really slow dance to but you can't really fast dance either and so you end up just going around in circles for the whole song feeling like an idiot. The horror.

I just learned that Bret is a dad. Instead of diapers, they used biodegradable bandanas.

"He has been so successful because he writes from the heart. He wanted to make sure his daughter had a hero." I think he doesn't care anymore because he is now on TV with some scary women. Instead of offering an engagement, he asks the final girl to go have monkey sex. Then he gives her a sweaty bandana.

He hasn't found his Rock of Love in a mansion so now he is trying it on a bus. I think he is right. He really should try the bus. It has nothing to do with whether or not a girl you would want to fall in love with probably wouldn't make out with you in front of 10 others and your first kiss with her was great because it tasted of beer and doritoes.

The True Hollywood Story is over, and I feel as though it has truly changed me. I would never have guessed that Bret dropped out of school. I was shocked to find out that when Poison's first album came out, no one could tell if the group was women or men. And it altered my existence to see that he started wearing the bandanas in the 80's. Perhaps I should go back to my 80's hairstyle. I admit that I don't read Vogue, but I'm pretty sure I've seen pictures of over permed hair shaped into a triangle with claw like bangs coming back in. I'll call Juan immediately.

Ill

I am sick. I am not common cold sick; I am "I think I"m dying and I understand how people died of the flu in the Victorian era" sick. My nose is running so fast that to sleep, I shove a tissue up my nose. I have a dragon shaped humidifier in my room. I have used tissues all over the bed and floor. I am in sweats and my bathrobe. I am eating popsicles because they feel good. Every time I sit up, I start coughing until I hack something up. I am very attractive. I am high on sudafed which no longer has Pseudifedrine or whatever because of kids using it to make Meth. so what's its active ingredient?

The kids don't have school today so they have a babysitter. I have been telling them they can do whatever they want for the last 2 days because I feel so sick. I was supposed to go to the dinosaur museum today but I'm not. My friend who was going with me may have an inner ear infection. There is no way to know but they think she does because she is dizzy and throwing up. so she has to take Valium every four hours until the symptoms go away. Of course she can't drive and it can take up to 4 months to go away, but she does get Valium. I get Sudafed that no longer has it's main ingredient. I"m not sure what it is doing for me. I know what Valium does for me...

I actually hallucinate and believe everyone is out to get me, so I probably should stick with useless Sudafed. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't react to those hallucinations.

I have found amazing tissues, though. I was trying to save money and stick with the tissues I have because I bought them at Costco and have 6 boxes. Plain tissues are fine for every day use, but after one day of using them, I was in so much pain I wanted to die. I drove to Target and found Puff's plus with vicks. You blow your nose and inhale vapor. If you stick the tissue up your nose to stop running, it kind of tingles. They are the all time greatest tissues. I bought 2 boxes and one box of Kleenex with lotion to do a test. Seth stole one of the Vicks boxes and I don't know where it went. I am very upset. He is too fast for me and he refuses to tell me what he did with them. It would help if he could actually speak, though.

So I thought I would share with you my illness. I lie here and wonder how people made it before reruns. I think the people in the Victorian era didn't die from the flu but from boredom. I am too sick to go anywhere and reading gives me a headache sometimes so in between sleeping, I am watching Law and Order. I love that show. Of course I fall asleep before finding out who the murderer is and wake up to find out the next episodes murderer. It makes things really confusing. It makes me feel as though I'm on Valium.

Dehydration

I am trying very hard to cook. Last Monday I made roast beef with yams and pinapple and cauliflower. I even made a Yorkshire pudding. Two days later I took the left over meat and made a stir fry. James ate the meat, but wouldn't eat the stir fry. My kids only wanted the rice. Why am I making food for kids when they won't eat it? I slave over the stove for rejection. I am becoming friends with the local grocery store's butcher because I know nothing about cuts of meat and I almost bought the wrong type of roast. (insert gasp)

Last Sunday, I decided I wanted to make an easy meal. I picked Tortilla Soup from LionHouse Cookbook. I was used to the can taco soup. The one you cook in a crock pot and open a bunch of cans of food into it, let it cook a couple hours, and it is perfection. Well, this recipe had some fresh ingredients and I thought I would go for that for a change. I bought the ingredients and then brought the cookbook to church. I am in charge of hanging out in Kevin's Sunday school class. It is a class of six boys and I have learned that if I don't bring something to occupy me, I want to kill these preteen boys. So I broght the cookbook to make a week's menu. I went to Relief Society afterwards, which is the class for women, and looked over the Tortilla Soup recipe to make sure I really did have everything. That is when I noticed that one of the ingredients was "dried refried beans." They expected me to have dehydrated refried beans. 5 cups, no less.

Who has those? I will tell you.... Mormons in Utah and possibly Idaho.

Dehydrated refried beans are available at the dry pack divisions of LDS Canneries. Only people in Utah and Idaho, maybe California and Arizona, have dry packs close enough to go regularly and get dehydrated foods. The only ones near us are four hours away and you need an appointment and they make certain things on certain days. In addition, a lot of the food is being shipped off for disasters, so it is even harder to get the food.

I think it is unfair that the recipe had an ingredient you can only get in Utah. If that is the case, they really shouldn't allow the recipe book out of the state. But my real issue is: Who the hell dehydrates refried beans and why would you? What good are dehydrated refried beans and wouldn't they be disgusting? Canned beans keep forever and even if they go bad, how can you tell? Why do you need to dehydrate something that is indestructible? I think that is a waste of time.

To add to this angst of mine, I am now sick. For the first time all year I have been drinking water and eating fresh fruits and veggies. I have been making well balanced meals and it means nothing. I am sick. So while at the grocery store buying popsicles because my throat is burning and just leaving my mouth open in the -1 degree weather is not helping, I bought a piece of carrot cake and 2 Diet Cokes. I'm reverting back to what I ate when I was healthy.

My mom used to cook well balanced meals every night while growing up. No wonder I got pneumonia every year for 4 years. It was the well balanced-ness. I'm not making the mistake with my kids. White rice and cup of soup for the rest of the month.

Active Moms

People have asked me why I don't update about my family. I'm not really one to do that. I often don't feel as though there is much to update. Right now I am sitting on my bed staring at the laundry. All the laundry. I guess I could update you when it is actually folded and again when it is put away...

I started Seth in a music class today where the mom's do everything and the kids yell "no" until they realize this is happening every Tuesday. The moms go to the bouncy castle in town afterwards so their kids can get ready for naps. I have joined a class with active mom's. I used to be an active mom. I used to belong to the Family First toddler group and make crafts every Tuesday morning with James and Katherine. I had James in music with Katherine so that their brains could develop faster and they would be ready for piano at ages 5 or 6. I played Gymboree music all the time and sang folk songs and had play dates with other kids and made cookies and organized an easter egg hunt. Then Katherine started to walk and even later I had Seth.

Now I am an innactive mom. James and Katherine started to hate music and now I play Aerosmith to help me get through my day. I don't allow glitter in my house anymore and Kevin wants me to ban all writing instruments because Seth writes all over the walls with them. Kevin and I are starting to try to become healthy so he gets ticked off when we make cookies and I get tired of the "she got more cookie dough on her spoon" fights. I may organize an easter egg hunt but that is a month away and we have to wait to see if snow melts. I will just buy already made eggs, though and I doubt we will do crafts.

I remember the old days where I always spoke to my children in a sing song voice and I met people at play land and my children and I ran through fields of daisies. Now I'm using a stern voice and threatening to take away Leapster's if we can't share. I looked at the mom's in the class who mostly had the one child and s/he had matching socks that matched their shirts and cute little shoes and matching coat and thought: "you need to read more trashy novels because you have way too much time on your hands."

March's Book of Trash

Ok. I picked a book. I have never read it before and I have no idea how "involved" the couple get. I have read five chapters. There is no murder or mystery in this one. I haven't read a true romance without someone dying in it since Sweet Valley High, so this is exciting.

I chose this book very scientifically. It was on a table at Costco and it cost $5. It also had purples, pinks and reds on the cover. So far the fact that the girl fell in love with the boy when she was 12 and he was 23 is a bit odd and creepy, but I'm giving it a chance.

I believe it should take about 4 hours total to read. Without pictures. In two or three weeks, we will reconvene and discuss how the book changed our lives.

Marianne's Trashy Book Club

I joined a book club at the locally owned bookstore and I truly love it. I have met women there that I would meet nowhere else. The only problem is that they choose books with depth. I have nothing against depth, but I'm in the mood for shallow. I really enjoy books that have not been translated from a different language, have little plot development and the characters are one dimensional. You can put the book down without a bookmark, pick it up, start reading, and it doesn't really matter what page you read. It is rather hard to find people who want to admit that they read this. I have decided to be the strong one and invite others to join me. I will list a book that you can generally find at Target or your library which generally has a cartoon or a really muscular male on the cover. Or every chapter is separated by a cookie recipe or a knitting pattern. Knit One, Kill Two was a classic. You can read these books in almost one sitting.

I accept suggestions, but if Book Review likes it, it is probably too deep. I found a book that was reviewed by Michael Kors. People is also a good source of literature reviews. And it has a great crossword.

We can't really have a discussion because it is on the internet. We can comment, and I will write a post on how the book has changed my life. I think I will have one post a week where we can comment on the book if we so like. I'm not sure if the books will really merit weekly posts, but this is an idea in development. Any other suggestions, let me know.

Book will be chosen by Friday.

Catapults

I want to work out three hours a day. I want a body by Jake. I want to have self-control and to not eat sugar or drink diet Pepsi or artificial sweeteners. at the same time, i question the happiness of organic people. i have friends who have given up dairy. i have friends who have given up gluten and wheat. i have friends who have given up processed sugar and flour. my question is: what is left? i heard a comedian who said: i have diabetes. i had to give up glutton. i have no idea what glutton is, but it is delicious.

I have to take medication that i have to take with either food or milk. if medicine needs to be taken with milk, why is milk so bad for you? of course the drug I take is incredibly strong and it is shrinking a growth in my head and it causes extreme side affects. or maybe not. may be this whole time the side affects have been from milk. who knew? maybe my tiredness is from dairy. look at cows... they barely move. they will stand there in the wind and the snow just getting covered. they would be much warmer if they moved around and got the blood flowing and yet they just stand there. maybe what is keeping me from working out three hours a day isn’t the fact that i have three kids who keep spreading sickness so that i can never use the nursery in the gym or the fact that i have to actually find three hours to exercise. maybe what is keeping me from working out is dairy. it makes me want to just stand in the wind and the snow and chew cud. not move at all.

and beef is supposed to be bad for you too. it gives you cholesterol and high blood pressure and it has fat and if it isn’t cooked properly you get diseases and even if it is cooked properly, you can get mad cow. maybe we should get rid of all cows. maybe we should use them in catapults like Monty Python did. perhaps that is why god made them. they are not to be used for milk and meat, but as a weapon. if we start catapulting them at bad guys, not only would they get injured from having a large animal hit them, but they may get mad cow if they decide to eat it. win=win. I’m gonna call obama. or jack bauer.