Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Nose Hair


I have no nose hair.  It wasn’t by choice, mind you, but now I understand why nose hair is so very, very important.  I am constantly wiping my nose and when I went swimming today, I could have used some extra nose hair to stop the water from going up there.

Now, dear reader, I understand that you may be confused how a person could be without nose hair and be completely without blame for this.  That is why I am here.  I am here to experience these things and then share them with you.  After all, charity begins with me.

There is a salon in Salt Lake City that I LOVE.  They are very eccentric and boisterous and hip.  I found them by accident when I needed my nails done and walked in.  Rena, (she is from the Netherlands) took one look at me and said, “Juan can help you with that.”  Juan is the hair stylist.  He is from Mexico City.  When he says your name, you flutter your eyelashes.  It is an automatic response.  It’s like sneezing when you are around dust.

The “that” Rena was talking about was my hair, lashes, eyebrows, and general makeup application.  Juan gave me an amazing cut, and Rena fixed my eyebrows.  She let me know that I now looked less tired and less like a 50 year old.  She then sold me some eye shadow, sparkly clips and shiny earrings.  I left feeling like a million bucks and received more compliments than I ever have.

Since then, when I am in town and feeling lonely and unfulfilled, I go to the salon.  When I leave, I look incredible, feel incredible, and know I could rule the world if I didn’t have to take care of a bunch of ungrateful kids.

This last time I went in, I decided to get hair extensions and have my brows done.  Lena did a great job with my brows and then looked at me for a moment.  She let me know that she had forgotten something, leaned back the chair, and ten seconds later, I had no nose hair in one nostril.  Well, I couldn’t have nose hair in only one nostril, so now I have none.  I’m not sure how long it takes to grow back.  Hopefully I will have more before allergy season.

I still love the salon.  When I left, I was convinced no one should have nose hair, but I think I am over that.  I think I will have Rena stick with my brows, but buy every accessory she says is truly “Me.”  And then come home and show Kevin how truly amazing I look and how much more he loves me with long flowing hair and sparkly jewels.  Before he sees the bill.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Run for Your Life

Recently, I have decided to run again.  I ran when I was in college.  I actually enjoyed it.  I would listen to a mixed tape made just for running and kept my stance in beat with whatever song was on at the time.  I thought that it worked for me then, it should work for me now.  Something has happened since I had three children.  I now hate running.
    I now have an ipod and tried creating a playlist for running.  It didn’t work.  I then bought all of the albums I had when I was in college and tried recreating the playlist I had as a graduate student.  That didn’t work either.  I then bought a playlist Niki created and I think there is a reason Niki makes shoes.  I downloaded the Biggest Loser playlist.  I think you need Jillian and Bob in the room to scare you to make that one easier to listen to. When I realized this, I realized what my problem is.
    Since I have three kids, I have a hard time doing things for no reason, because my time is so finite.  To go to the gym, I have to fight my kids and get them in the daycare.  To run around my neighborhood, I have to wait for my husband to be home or I have to hire a babysitter.  I suppose I could just run up and down the block, but I’m not sure I could do that more than a couple of times.
    In order for me to feel as though my running has a true purpose, I believe I need to be chased.  Running to lose weight is a viable goal, but it takes a long time.  For me to get up and start running right now, I think I need to be chased.  So I came up with a new exercise system.  Treadmills and spinning classes will have a monitor on the front of the machine or in the front of the class.  You can watch television or pretend you are running or cycling in the mountains or on a beach.  I would like to put monitors behind you with films of large men wearing ski masks and carrying machetes.  If you start to slow down, you receive an electric shock letting you know what will happen if these men catch you.  I need fear.  My heart will beat faster and I will burn even more calories.  I could run twenty minutes instead of forty and get the same benefit.  I think I will call it Run for Your Life.  I could be a millionaire.  Then I could buy liposuction.

Friday, June 11, 2010

We all know where the fault lies.


Hello fellow readers!  I am sorry that I have been absent from your lives but my life has been occurring, causing all sorts of difficulties.  I really wish my life would stop, but then I would have nothing to write about.  You see the problems I face, dear reader.

The latest wonderful addition to the probable causes of my neurosis is my car.  I have a navy blue Honda Odyssey mini-van.  Since the third day we have owned it, it has put chinks in my ultimate coolness armor.  It has done it's job, but I think I would have enjoyed it more had it had leather seats and it was fully loaded.

About a month ago, the car wouldn't start.  Kevin and I jumped it, but it wouldn't keep a charge.  We let it run for two hours, and it still needed to be jumped.  Kevin bought a self-jumper and said he would drive the van until he could get a new battery.  I told him I wanted a new battery and he said he would get one.  Kevin is not one to do things immediately.  He is one to procrastinate until his life is threatened or the deadline has passed and people are starting to complain.  So it should not have been much of a surprise when he proclaimed that after four days, the car was starting on it's own again.

Now most of us would think, "A frayed wire is in the right position again, but this isn't going to last forever" or "whatever is causing problems has moved slightly but it will move again and the problem will resurface so I really should just get a new battery because I love my wife and don't want her stranded somewhere unseemly and she has asked me to get a new battery which will take a total of a half hour out of my life and because she does so much for me I will do this for her."  Kevin, dear readers, did not think any of these things.

Instead, dear readers, he announced that the battery was completely fixed.  I commented that the only thing I know of that self-heals is skin, but he knew it would be fine.  And I guess it was.  Until Tuesday.

On Tuesday, the car wouldn't start and so I jumped it.  I called Kevin and told him that if we did not have a new battery on Saturday, we would have a new car.  You see, Kevin believes I don't know how much money we have because we have three accounts.  But I know where the money is AND I know something Kevin does not:  I know where the checks to the money are. 

My threat didn't really matter because once I dropped James off of school, I decided to get gas.  The car wouldn't start again.  I used the self-jumper.  I called a neighbor to pick up Katherine from the gas station for preschool and he tried using his car to jump it.  A guy from the gas station helped me move the car and then I called a tow truck.  They told me they had no way of taking Seth with them so I called Kevin to get a car to me.  I called another friend to come get Seth and she and I tried to get the battery off but one of the bolts was corroded on.  So now I was alone, at a gas station with two cars.  I called the tow truck again, he came out and got the van started and told me about a garage to take it to.

I drove it to the garage, called a friend to come get me and she took me to the Subaru.  It was then time to pick up Katherine from preschool and Seth from my friend's house.  My whole morning was shot.  I had planned on dropping the kids off at school and heading home to workout.  Due to the fact that I would be working out, I didn't get dressed in the morning.  I had not showered, I was in pajamas and I was lacking supportive underwear.  Luckily I had put yesterday's pants on so I wasn't in my Tinkerbell pj's but I still felt very exposed.

Now, due to the fact that we are getting a new deck, I did not go out and buy a new car on Wednesday.  I feel as though that shows some major restraint on my part.  If decks were only $5,000, I would researching cars at this moment.  It looks like, however, that we will be paying the same amount for our new enlarged deck as a midsized sedan and although Kevin believes I can go through money like a sieve, I cannot in good conscience spend $60,000 in a forty-eight hour period.  I am going to wait a week.

Kevin can stop me from purchasing a new car, however.  He simply needs to take the blame.  He simply needs to say, "Marianne, I am sorry I didn't listen to you and get the battery changed when you asked me to.  It is my fault that you spent Tuesday morning trying to fix a car while Seth was screaming for mosquitoes (I think he wanted bug juice, but unsure) and Katherine screaming that she loves her preschool teacher and doesn't want to go to Kindergarten."   He has said, "I'm sorry this happened to you" WHICH IS NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL.  He needs to say, "I'm sorry this was my fault."  If his pride stops him from this, I am thinking a Porsche Cayenne.  Any other suggestions?